Canada+Kyoto: Loss of jillion jobs would put every…

Canada+Kyoto: Loss of jillion jobs would put every single Canadian out of work

Read that column in the Toronto Star. Do I have to mention it’s a satirical piece? Duh!

Jillions of jobs at stake in Kyoto accord

By Linwood Barclay

SOME STARTLING new developments this week into what disasters await Canada if it ratifies the Kyoto Protocol, as Prime Minister Jean Chrétien has promised.

Alberta Premier Ralph Klein released a new, hard-hitting report this week that suggests the number of jobs lost through implementing the Kyoto accord may be higher than originally thought.

Said Klein: “At first we thought it was somewhere in the neighborhood of 100,000 jobs, then 250,000 jobs, then a million, but now our studies indicate that the number is somewhere in the area of a jillion and a half.”

Klein said his government had to come up with a new numerical term because there were no existing numbers that seemed sufficiently alarming. Researchers settled on “jillion” because “gazillion” is already being used by the Bush administration to describe the number of weapons of mass destruction that have been acquired by Saddam Hussein.

Klein said losing just a jillion jobs would put every single Canadian out of work. “But I think we’re looking at 1.5 jillion jobs, easy,” Klein said. This means some Canadians who have been deceased for up to several decades will lose their jobs retroactively. A new study by the Canadian Association of Petroleum Producers has determined that if the Liberals move full steam ahead with the Kyoto accord, it will send the nation’s birthrate into a downward spiral.

“We will be hastening our own extinction,” the association said in a news release. “Higher fuel prices, in conjunction with a move away from SUVs toward smaller cars, means it will cost couples in love more money to drive to secluded parking spots, and then, if they can even afford to get there, making out in small, fuel-efficient cars is an absolute nightmare.”


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